Want to hang?
Finding spaces when you're sober that don't suck.
Sobriety and finding others
I have been sober for almost nine years now, something for which I am always grateful. I could spend time going through then usual motions of how drinking caused me all of these issues, I could talk about trauma, being overworked, and learning to be present again. I could also spend time extolling the virtues of recovery, or spend Time talking about how much my life has changed for the better (which, to be clear, it has!)
But what I actually think about most when approaching my own recovery (which is separate from my job which is based in recovery) is just how fucking lonely it is in America to not drink.
And sure, there are sober event, and (oh god) meetings, but all of these function to essentially separate someone in recovery form everyone else, which if you’re someone who doesn’t like being around only sober people (or like myself, your job is focused on sobriety and you don’t want to talk about work when you’re not working) it’s hard to find anything.
I am lucky. I can be around people who still use substances (though, not always) so this opens things up a little bit. Still, so much of our time is spent looking for places to meet people. In an age in which social anxiety seems to be compounded by the second (due to many things but not helped by social media) it seems outside of getting blasted, there are few places to go and have a conversation with someone.
Every tried to talk to a stranger in a coffee shop? Odds are (especially if it’s a “trendy” coffee shop) they’re going to look at you as if you’re trying to sell them drugs.
This is, in many ways cultural thing, or better yet, a by-product of capitalism. In order to exist in p[laces you need money, and so most places reject any socialization unless it directly contributes to making money (which is why bars are such a great place to meet people). But a cafe that encourages conversation, a plaza, a park, or even a community center are few and far between. I remember (being fortunate) going to Paris and how their cafe’s would let you sit with one coffee all day. How they also served alcohol so that you could get an espresso and sit with someone drinking wine, and it didn’t make you feel any less welcome. How they sold papers and cigarettes in the same place, and they were open and cheap. How people just stopped to talk without feeling the need to justify being there.
These third spaces (A third place is a social space that's separate from home and work, where people can relax and interact. The term was coined by US sociologist Ray Oldenburg in his 1989 book The Great Good Place. ) have ceased to exist in the US. Outside of some random pockets, they are increasingly hard to find. Coupled with the sense of isolation that is the dominate feeling of a society who’s mores are based in a kind of distrust of the “other” (thanks a lot Cavalnism!) and it becomes clear just how isolating society can feel.
Sobriety, while not for everyone, shouldn’t make a social pariah out of those of us who do for whatever reason have to abstain. And, having to only hang with other “sober” people just creates more shitty categories and isolation (not to mention, too many sober people are so wrapped up in their own version of Calvanism that it feels like a cult!) Hopefully this can change at some point, because I can’t (and in some ways wouldn’t want to) leave here. Let’s imagine these spaces as something real, and maybe more importantly, make a world in which we don’t have to purchase things that should come as easy as breathing air.